motherhood is: waking up

many babies joined the world on march 7, 2016. i was one of them.

becoming a mother has done several things to me, but there are two that i want to talk about.

the first thing that has happened is that i have woken up. i’ve noticed over this past year how little i am able to move past tragedies when i hear about them.

200 civilians killed by the united states in mosul.

famine in south sudan.

syrian conjoined twins, dying, unable to reach safety for a perfectly feasible and life-saving heart surgery.

a leader gassing his own people, again, killing children.

attacks in paris, london, brussels.

one man stabbed to death because of his skin color.

mothers and fathers burying their babies.

police shooting after police shooting of unarmed black men.

a climate, merely responding to what we’ve done to it, destroying our homes and land.

our security at risk.

and we feel helpless and so far away, blocked by the barricades of bureaucracy and distance.

i thought that at first i just had really thin skin, that this stuff had always been happening, and that now, i have a lesser ability to ignore it or tune it out.

but i’ve realized that it’s so much deeper than skin.

i’ve always been interested in social justice and social welfare and doing what we can to demand that such ideas extend to protect everyone.

but i’ve never cried in response to babies dying on the other side of the world before.

having a baby has made me realize that there are no such thing as other people’s children. having a baby has made me realize that every baby is my baby and every mother is my mother. it has made me realize that i am that mother and that baby is my baby, and it didn’t happen all of a sudden because i had a baby, it has always been that way. the humanity in each of them has always been the humanity in myself. i didn’t realize this to this fullness because i’ve become more sensitive, i realized this because i’ve gained a new level of consciousness. i am awake.

2016 was an odd year to have a baby. it was an awkward time to bring life into the world when tragedy strikes my homeland, when all the values i hold dear in protecting and partnering with the most vulnerable among us are threatened and endangered.

but it was the year i brought my son into the world, and it was the year my son brought me into the world.

it is because of this new awakening that i find myself experiencing the second major change. i am much less tolerant of unacceptable things.

when we are ignorant, we are calloused, and when we are calloused, we are not moved by the irritants scratching our hearts. but these days my heart is raw, and it feels so weak. however, i know that my ability to feel deeply, my ability to be angered, outraged, broken, saddened, and weary doesn’t make me weak. it makes me human. it means i can also feel joy and excitement and pleasure and contentment and peace. motherhood has opened me up and ripped away my securities.

there are no excuses for the pain we cause each other. i’ve reached a point where i’ve realized that if it is not filled with love, i have no time for it. i’ve also reached a point where i’ve realized that maybe my love needs to be expressed more in my ears and less in my mouth.

motherhood has birthed more than one person. and like a newborn, i can make a lot of noise, but i need to grow up a little before i can speak in a way that makes sense to others. i need to listen more so i can learn how to speak. i need to let time strengthen my eyesight so that i can see further and further and more clearly.

but i also know that the experience of birth isn’t limited to those of us who have the ability to give birth physically.

we know that this new awareness is what happens to anyone who commits to the ways of Jesus, who says yes to his example of defeating evil and violence with love. being born again, opening your eyes, waking up, a new level of consciousness – we all come to it differently.

we all reach that experience that breaks our hearts open, leaving us raw. and we can’t be the same or look at things the same way in our world, our jobs, our marriages, our families, our communities. this new sight can bring even fuller living in all those things, and sometimes it means we have to leave some things.

my prayer for our world now is tender hearts for the people so that they can break more easily. we need to break so we can still be human. and that’s ultimately what i want for our world, for us to be human and remember that humanity is shared.

 

objects of gratitude

this week I’m grateful for:

these wipes (and for their hard work of cleaning a week of snot and coughs)

this handmade bear (and the extra love & security built into it allowing for teething gums)

open window weather

these chubby legs

this daily reminder

here’s to gratitude and how it turns everything into enough.

 

objects of gratitude

this week I’m thankful for:

the clearance section in the florist department at Kroger

Barnes & Noble gift cards

birthday presents from Aunt Rachel

these ears

fragrances from my home state

seasonal updates to Willies mobile

75 degrees on the first day of spring

here’s to gratitude and how it turns everything into enough.

Sarcasm is not intelligence, it’s hostility.

I’ve been doing some soul-searching for a couple of years. I’ve also been saying stuff like that for much longer, so let it be known, I’m probably always doing some kind of in-depth introspection regarding various concepts about life because #introvert, and I love it because I’m always learning new things about the world, and measuring those things against what I know and am learning about myself is how I believe I’m becoming a better, more aware, more educated person.

Here’s what I’ve always known: people are very proud of sarcasm. It makes us feel smart. And here’s why – it’s a form of irony, and irony, being a tool of humor, doesn’t click with everyone. Not everyone gets it. So being in on a joke that other people are not in on makes us feel elite, better-than, superior. I am better than you because I get sarcasm.

People are also very proud of their regular use of sarcasm. And this is something I don’t understand as easily. I think it ties into the feeling that it makes us smart, but getting sarcasm and using sarcasm all the time aren’t the same.

A couple of years ago, I was listening to The Liturgists interview comedian Pete Holmes on one of their podcasts. In this interview, they talk about the science, art, and faith of humor – what makes something funny and why. In this interview, Pete says that he does not like sarcasm at all. He says that it’s an excuse for people to not be funny – to which he says, “then just don’t be funny.” You can still be a nice, kind, pleasant, and enjoyable person without having to be funny. I agree.

But this comment reminded me of the greatest book series ever written – Anne of Green Gables. In the fourth book, Anne of Windy Poplars, there is a character introduced named Katherine Brooke. She is the vice principal at Summerside High School, where Anne has taken a position as the principal. She is described primarily as being sarcastic, one of Anne’s most despised traits.

So these two instances are two of the few times I can recall encountering a negative attitude toward sarcastic people. Most everyone else embraces it. I had to think about this some more.

Anne Shirley is the epitome of sincerity in a person. She makes her feelings known, and doesn’t understand the need to hide them behind snark, snideness, or sarcasm. Sarcasm, for her, is an excuse for people to not be real about their feelings, and she doesn’t understand that. Her openness with her emotions does invite hurt at times, but mostly, she’s a better person because everyone knows where they stand with her, and so they respect her for it.

Indeed, sarcasm is the opposite of sincerity, genuineness, and vulnerability. It is a shield, a facade, and an excuse to not be real with people.

How many times have I used it so I wouldn’t have to literally say, “You’ve hurt my feelings”?

How many times have I hurt others with such a bite or a sting by belittling them with that language?

Let me make sure everyone understands that I do believe there is a place in humor for sarcasm, but most people misuse it dreadfully. There are many times a statement of fact is not enough to have its effect on people, so we use irony, parody, satire, and sarcasm to make our point. Saturday Night Live has been around for over 30 years because it works. Mark Twain is Mark Twain because he knew this too.

But here’s the problem with those of us who use sarcasm on a daily basis with those we interact with the most: we’re not performing. We’re not acting for an audience that doesn’t know who we are, we’re working with and living with people who know us and our feelings, so why do they need to be dressed up with tools meant for literature or humor? The way sarcasm is meant to be used is not the way we use it every day. We use it for hostility and disguise it as humor.

This is not literature or humor, this is life at home. This is reality with our loved ones. So when we use sarcasm, the only real thing we accomplish is widening a gap. That’s what irony is – a gap between what is said and what is meant. And it heightens one’s feelings of insecurity. My sister used to say all the time that the Greek word from which we get our word for sarcasm literally means “to tear or rip off flesh.” This is not a productive way to grow relationships with people. It’s a great way to damage them.

Sarcasm is an excuse to not be funny. It’s an easy fall-back for people who don’t know how to be witty. Wit exposes absurdities with sincerity and can connect concepts in a clever way that can result in humor.

At the risk of sounding trite: just be real with people.

So I’ve increasingly grown to disrespect the overt use of sarcasm and the abuse of it as a method of communicating with those around us. It is a refusal to hold others accountable for the way they’ve made us feel, it’s not a mark of intelligence. It’s a weapon, used for the purpose of cutting others down, stinging them for no reason so we can either make ourselves feel better or so we can share our feelings insincerely.

Just say what you mean, please.

Someone tell me what simple living is because I don’t know yet

Minimalism is the word du jour. Actually, it’s more like the word de l’annee.

Thanks to Pinterest, increasingly popular food and lifestyle blogs, Marie Kondo, and several other influences, white walls, clean lines, and the complete absence of clutter comprise the in style of space these days.

Never mind that no one’s space really looks like that, and never mind that as long as you have a child or pet, it never will. Every time I scroll past all that on Instagram, I try to remind myself that all those photos have clutter outside of the frame. Pizza boxes, dirty clothes, dog-hair-littered rugs.

It’s annoying, but only because I envy that frame. I know it’s not real, but I still envy it. I envy it because I know that stuff is stressful. It reminds me of how much we accumulate for the sake of just having things, it would seem. I once came across a beautiful quote by the artist and textile designer William Morris, credited with starting a British movement that would become the American Craftsman movement, and he says:

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.

I instantly recall the boxes and piles in my basement. The clothes I don’t wear, but still give space to because they came from such and such and it makes a good story. The knick knacks and random things that don’t have a place. Clutter drives me up the wall. “A place for everything and everything in its place” is the way I look at the world, and if you don’t have a place, you better find one soon, or you’ll end up in the Goodwill pile. Stuff weighs me down, and I do not feel like myself in a cluttered space. I know that means a losing battle lies ahead of me until the last child moves out of my house, but clutter is a sign of unfinished things. Ongoing projects. Things that don’t have a place, but supposedly will find one soon. Things we don’t need but cant bring ourselves to throw out. All of those things are unfinished processes, and I am not hospitable to unfinished processes. Unanswered questions. That’s all they are. And that’s what really drives me up the wall.

I believe that painful practices may sometimes be necessary in order for us to thrive as humans. That may include difficult diets if we have bad relationships with food. It may also include purging our possessions. When I die, none of the things in my home will mean anything to me. I won’t take it with me, and I won’t come back for it. No matter how many family hands it passed through, no matter who gave it to me, no matter where I bought it, and no matter how much money I spent on it – at the end of the day, it’s all stuff.

I’m not all that sentimental, really.

I believe that examining our relationship with our stuff, and sometimes being brutal about it, is necessary for simple living. And while I don’t know that I’ll ever attain an ultimately minimalist lifestyle (mostly because it’s trendy, and won’t be all that much of a thing in 20 years), I do very much believe in simple living.

I believe in – for the most part – not buying things unless you have a need. I absolutely believe in splurging, but my personal preferences for that include experiences like massages, pedicures, eating out, concerts, vacations. Also books, that’s my main exception. The reason I have this way of thinking is because I know that for every pair of shoes I own, there are thousands of others who don’t have any, whose feet become blistered and diseased because they have no protection from the ground or weather. You see, I’ve always been taught that God has provided enough resources for all those living on the earth. I’ve been taught that it’s not that the earth is overpopulated, it’s just that resources aren’t distributed fairly. So does that mean that if I have two coats and someone else doesn’t have any, that I’m stealing from him? Does that mean that if I have more money than I have need and someone else doesn’t have enough money for their needs, that I’m stealing from her? It makes me sick when I think of all the stuff we have, buy, consume, and accumulate while so many others have nothing.

I believe simple living absolutely starts with our basic needs – our clothes, food, choices of travel.

However, with all that being said, I do still love my stuff. I love that I don’t have bare walls because I have so many talented friends and family members who know how to art. I love that my furniture is dark wood and not white because it was handed down to me by my family. I love the amethyst bud vase that my mother passed down to me. I love the blankets that my friends knitted, crocheted, and quilted for me. I love the full shelves of books because it reminds me of all the stories I’ve lived. I love the teapot that belonged to my great-grandmother. I love our collection of records. I love the ceramic tumblers that my sister gave us for our wedding that were handmade by her art professor that were being sold at the local community arts center as part of the month’s exhibit.

But I’ve still had to make some difficult decisions when I felt that my stuff was starting to own me. I got rid of a few brown mugs that I thought were just the coolest things and that I found while cleaning out my grandparents’ house. They did belong to my grandparents, but I have no memory of them being used. They were hiding in the back of a cabinet somewhere, and with me, they were taking up space in a home where only 50% of us were coffee drinkers who only drank coffee 50% of the time. I didn’t enjoy getting rid of something I liked that supposedly belonged to my grandparents, but what purpose did they serve in my house? They were small, and not at all equipped to accommodate an American’s caffeine needs in one sipping, plus I had other, more practical coffee mugs that had their own special stories. And you know what? I don’t think my grandparents care one bit, wherever they are. I don’t think that when we are reunited at the end of all things, they’re going to tell me it really hurt their feelings when I gave away those mugs.

Stuff is stuff is stuff is stuff.

So I’m trying to find that balance of owning better things instead of  a lot of things. I’m trying to find that peace with the fact that my house will be a house filled with children and dogs, and not at all white and bright. I want my things to have good stories, and I want my messy house to have a good story. I do believe that stuff absorbs our energy, but I also believe that striving for an image that isn’t real absorbs our energy even more.

And I’ve decided that turning my house and my life into the simple and sustainable house and life I want to have isn’t something that’s going to happen in a time frame. It will be an ongoing journey of learning to need less and learning to be content.

My old pastor once asked in a sermon, “How many of you wish your life was more complicated?” No one raised their hands. “How many of you wish your life was simpler?”

Everyone. Everyone does. And it starts with a good cleaning. Not to bare your walls or empty your drawers necessarily (though for some, that may be necessary), but to learn to have a loose relationship with your stuff so that if you lost everything, you would still have what you need.

gift guide for an ethical christmas

Kittlemade – Shameless plug for one of my friends, Jordan, who makes leather wallets, bags, and other goods by hand here in Nashville. I own one of his wallets, and aside from the enjoyment I get knowing that wallet will last me for years to come, I also get to smell real leather every time I pay for something or order an alcoholic beverage, so I’m definitely getting my money’s worth on two counts.

Sseko Designs – Shameless plug for myself as a Sseko Fellow who is now selling these gorgeous products. In addition to the totes and wallets (which you can buy from Jordan because I have plenty other goodies to sell), you can find shoes, clutches, jewelry, scarves, sandals, weekend bags, and yoga bags. These products are handmade by women in East Africa who are saving money to attend university. By purchasing a Sseko product, you are investing in the future and livelihood of women in Uganda and Ethiopia, and you are also supporting local artisans and makers because all of the materials are sourced in East Africa as well. I can attest to the quality of their products – I own a pair of loafers and slide sandals and two bags!

Sudara employs women in India who are trafficking survivors. They are most known for their Punjammies – awesome pajama pants and capris for women, men, and kids. They also sell shirts, stuffed animals, totes, and other accessories.

Imagine Goods  employs trafficking survivors in Cambodia, empowering women through employment. I have four pieces from this organization – two shirts and two dresses, and they’re some of my favorite pieces. They also sell beautiful aprons for men, women, and kids, napkins, table cloths, men’s and women’s accessories, dresses, shirts, skirts, jewelry, and crossbody bags.

House of Light Goods provides jobs to single mothers who would otherwise be left vulnerable to harsh societal factors in Mexico as they work to provide for their families. Here, you can get scarves, blankets, bags, and they recently introduced throw pillows! House of Light Goods works in partnership with Casa de Luz Children’s Centre in Primo Tapia, Mexico, which provides a safe place for these beautiful children to learn, play, be loved and cared for and thrive. Their Mothers are also able to further their education, start their own businesses through a micro loan program, find suitable employment, begin a journey of healing, and be part of a supportive and encouraging community.

Cuddle & Kind makes the most adorable little dolls of the highest quality, all-natural cotton. For every doll that’s sold, ten free, nutritional meals are provided to children in need. Their goal is to provide 1 million meals a year.

Tegu is an independent toy factory located in Tegucigalpa that creates wooden, magnet based building blocks. Employees are paid a living wage and the employers focus on long-term career goals over task-based jobs. The goal is to bring world-class employment standards to Central America.

Preemptive Love Coalition is a relief organization that works to provide aid to refugees and heart surgeries to children in conflict zones. One of the ways they work to provide for refugees is through employment. They began teaching soap-making to men and women who are seeking ways to save money so that they may one day return home – because we all just want to go home. This year, they’ve also introduces candles and an opportunity for you to invest in the employment of refugees.

Thistle Farms – I can’t say enough about this organization. They’re our hometown ball players that I always have to support. Magadalene, a two-year recovery program for women who have survivied prostitution and addictions provides employment through handmade bath and body products and a local cafe. They have nearly 20 global partners who provide similar empowerment for vulnerable women worldwide for additional products for the home and the family. My favorite products are the healing oils, but I love everything I get there – the lip balm, the lotion, the candles, the room spray, the soaps – they’re all wonderful!

The Citizenry is a collection of home goods produced through direct relationships with artisans around the world. Producers are paid fairly, and the online-only store eliminates industry markups. They provide sustainable grants, comfortable working environments, and of course, fair wages!

Earlywood creates handmade cooking utensils in Western Montana. They’re known for their sauté set, which we own and love. They also create cutting boards, coffee scoops, serving spoons, toddler spoons, and spreaders.

Frostbeard Studio creates book and sci-fi inspired candles in Minneapolis. Owners Roxie and Tom began the company as a ceramics studio, but after finding out how scarce book-scented candles were, they accidentally became candle-makers. I’ve gotten a couple of Harry Potter inspired candles as well as Old Books and Hatter’s Tea Party.

Equal Exchange sells fair trade coffee, tea, chocolate, baking cocoa, snacks, and olive oil. Equal Exchange’s mission is to build long-term trade partnerships that are economically just and environmentally sound, to foster mutually beneficial relationships between farmers and consumers and to demonstrate, through its success, the contribution of worker co-operatives and Fair Trade to a more equitable, democratic and sustainable world. You can buy in bulk or wholesale, if you’re a business owner. I’ve tried the chocolate chips, olive oil, baking cocoa, and hot chocolate mix, and it’s all delicious.

Humphreys Street Coffee & Soap is local to South Nashville and is the social enterprise of Harvest Hands Community Development Corporation. My church is privileged to be able to work with this organization whenever we get the chance, because it’s truly a phenomenal place accomplishing what no one else is in this area. Harvest Hands provides community programs that include providing job training for vulnerable youth through coffee roasting and soap making. I drink the coffee every Sunday morning at church.

Koinonia Farm has a beautiful story I can’t cover in this space, but it’s more than a place to buy pecans and such. Koinonia began as an intentional community of believers in 1942 that included everyone – regardless of skin color. This naturally brought about many dangers of bombs, bullets, and attempts to be wiped out by the KKK, but they endured. Today they exist to serve others through hospitality. You can visit the farm, to work, or to just rest and be renewed. They’re online shop offers everything from fair trade chocolate and peanuts to t-shirts and jewelry.

Prosperity Candle is a social enterprise that employs women artisans who have resettled in the U.S. from refugee camps. Candles are ethically made and provide a living wage for these women who are working to build a brighter future for themselves and their families.

Yobel Market is another great organization that builds empowerment through employment for those who have been exploited, displaced, and impoverished all over the world. Accessories are available for men and women, and you can also find items for your home and kitchen. I bought my husband a travel toiletry kit for Christmas a couple of years ago, and he loves it.

Ten Thousand Villages connects consumers to the global village that produces their fair trade goods. Many of the brands I’ve mentioned already are available through their online store. They’re a collection of home goods, fair foods, accessories, home accents, and gifts. I’ve bought gifts for many people there before, and they’ve been well-received.

Oliberte is a sustainable brand that supports worker’s rights in Ethiopia. They make mostly boots and shoes, but they also have accessories available such as bags, wallets, and toys for wee ones.

Nisolo Shoes are made in Peru and partner with other factories around the world to provide sustainable living wages, friendly work environments, and employment of a beautiful trade.

Rabbit Room is an intentional creative community providing music, stories, and art. They also publish a small number of books, and their store features music, books, sheet music, clothing, posters, and mugs. The site features forums, a blog, and podcasts, and they host a yearly gathering called Hutchmoot.

Persephone Books is a publisher & bookshop in London that mostly features 20th century women writers. They reprint stories that have been forgotten or neglected, and each cover is a simple grey jacket with endpaper that was taken from a fabric design that fits the era and mood of the book.

Krochet Kids International was started by three guys who learned how to crochet their own headwear for outdoor and snow sports activities. After a while, they eventually were presented with an opportunity to teach crochet to individuals in developing nations who were looking for a means to support themselves and make a living wage. Products are made in Peru and Uganda by individuals who are working toward a better living for themselves and their families. Among the products available are hats, bags, scarves, and tops for men, women, and kids.

Swell was created with the goal of eliminating plastic bottles from the world. These bottles keep drinks cold for 24 hours and hot for 12.

Bought Beautifully is a collection of vendors who provide dignified employment with the goal of rehabilitating those who have survived slavery. You can find products from many of the brands already mentioned that include beauty products, paper goods, clothing, accessories, and home goods.

The Giving Keys employs those who are transitioning out of homelessness. These beautiful necklaces and bracelets feature old keys engraved with inspirational words.

Love41 is an online retail shop that donates 100% of the profits to Africa New Life Ministries which provides sponsorships for those whose lives have been torn apart from genocide in Rwanda. You can find bags, gifts, home goods, and accessories.

The Joy Market publishes children’s book and uses the profits to fund amazing causes around the world – heart surgeries for children in conflict zones, food for children in West Africa. I purchased a book for Willie called The Legend of the Starfish, and it’s one of my favorite books for him so far.

Fruit basket – or veggie basket, or egg basket, or whatever your local farmers have available this season. Support your local farmers in their slowest season. There are still things available in the winter, depending on where you live – eggs, honey, apples, kale, herbs, mushrooms, pecans, turnips, winter squash, sweet potatoes, winter greens, meats. I bet if you did some research, you might be able to put together a pretty fantastic package of local food for your loved ones. (Mississippi State Cheese is a goodie if you can’t find anything in your area.)

Plants – Do you have someone in your life who doesn’t really need any stuff, but still might appreciate a small gesture of your relationship? Plants are always a safe choice for that. They’re beautiful and you can just let them sit there, and they’ll still do amazing things for your home – purify the air, calm the senses, entertain the cat. You can go seasonal with the poinsettias, but peace lilies are always a good choice and easy to take care of as well as succulents and aloe.

Local art – I know there are people in your own community (or even you) who can produce some pretty amazing art. Pottery, fabric art, oil, water color, metal art, wood art, graphic design – someone you know can do any of these things. I know people who can do all of these things. Support a local artist and purchase a special and unique piece that will make the home of your loved one special and unique. Almost every decorative piece in our home is an heirloom, art by people we know and love, or art that was bought locally.

Local shops – This one’s a biggie, actually. It’s always good to support organizations that provide some much-needed, fair employment in parts of the world that need it most, but your local culture directly affects you. Every town has small gift shops that rely on the community for support. These are people you can see every day and know that your purchase is feeding their kids, who live in your town and paying their bills, for services provided in your town. But don’t just buy your gifts locally – try to buy everything locally as best you can.

Local drinks – Vineyards, breweries, distilleries – if you have any of those nearby and you’re not quite sure what to get someone, this one’s usually a safe bet.

Professional talents – Are you a photographer, mechanic, seamstress, or some other master-of-a-trade? Provide something of your expertise for free. Offer to do a photo shoot for your friend’s kids. Give a free oil change. Repair someone’s clothes so they don’t have to buy new ones. Maybe you can teach these skills to someone.

Acts of service – Childcare, yardwork, housework, errands, prepared dinner – if there is someone in your life who would much prefer a break over fancy cheeses, consider offering your time. We all, unfortunately, at some point in our lives, know someone affected by cancer. We all know someone who is a new mama. We all know someone who is an exasperated mama. We all know someone who’s having a hard time of it, whatever the reason may be. The gift of your time can be more precious than any of the above tangible things, so look for those in your life who might be more interested in a helping hand, companionship, or solidarity. Maybe pay their utility bill or take their car to get serviced and cleaned.

Make something – This is the age of Pinterest, everyone, we all know how to make jellies, breads, pastries, hand soap, candles, shave butter, infused salts and syrups and liquors and oils and sugars, and even art. Make a quilt or a scarf or hat or a weaving or something out of wood.

Fortunately, there are countless more vendors, shops, companies, and organizations that offer well-made, sustainable goods. I’ve recently discovered several small batch makers of kids clothes and goods through Instagram. There’s just no way to list everything that’s available, and that’s a good thing. It means that more and more people are taking it upon themselves to break out of the mindless consumption of goods manufactured through unknowable means to provide it themselves. Of course, as terrible as the working conditions are, for many people, that’s their only means available for a living.

That’s why I like to keep a balance of supporting local merchants and finding ethical producers around the world for my needs and gifts. We need to encourage local sustainability, but at the same time, I believe that to whom much is given, much is expected. Because I live in America, I am unbelievably privileged, no matter how poor I may think I am, so I have a responsibility to share what I have with those who have little or nothing, and I choose to do that through organizations that are working to create and promote self-sustaining communities. Sometimes, though, that may require a little bit of outside help on the front end, and I’m happy to give it.

If you know of any companies or organizations or small batch makers that are not on this list, please let us know so that we can expand our options for a better method of consumption.

Finally, I want everyone to know that I know that there are always those in need of a new TV or computer or some other such gadget. Sometimes the local offerings don’t always provide what we or those in our lives need. Sometimes that book that your kid really wants is only available to you through Amazon or Barnes & Noble. The important thing is to simply be aware of the purchases we make. Anything given out of love is the most precious gift, so we all (I) need to make sure that we (I) don’t get a big head about it. Especially since a lot of this stuff is SPENSIVE. That’s why I like to recommend things like food and plants and acts of service.

Finally-finally, we all have those in our lives who, no matter how ethical or fair trade or sustainable or beautiful or homemade the gift is, still don’t want or need any stuff. Later on I’ll post a list of well-rated organizations you can donate to in honor of someone.

The (next) morning after.

When my son was born, I promised him I would make the world better for him when I leave it. I promised him that I would show him how to make the world better for others when he leaves it.

And early Wednesday morning, I felt like he had been failed.

You see, I have realized even more these past couple of days how crucial it is that I teach him how to be a kind human.

All across America yesterday and today, there have been numerous reports of harassment and assault against people of color. And it is not a coincidence when these harassers and assailants proudly tout a Trump presidency as justification for their actions.

These horrible actions are happening in schools. Schools. Children are raising their voices in hatred toward their classmates. We know where they learned this. We know who made it okay for them to do this.

But we also know that very few of these kids had parents literally say to them that it was okay to do those very things. No, these children learned from behavior. They learned from the conversations they overheard from their parents. They heard these things from their parents’ mouths, and they thought it was okay to take it public.

Over the next four years, my child will learn to walk, run, talk back to me, say no to everything, and repeat everything he hears. He will learn how to share (hopefully), maybe how to be an older brother, and how to interact with others. And it will not matter one bit what I tell him in trying to guide him through that, because he won’t be listening. He’ll be watching.

I cried over his crib at 1:00 in the morning yesterday. I cried in solidarity with all the mamas who fear for their children’s lives. The undocumented mamas who fear they will be taken from their babies. The black mamas who fear their babies will be taken from them. Because here’s the thing: I am afraid for what the future might look like for my boy, but he is a white male. In all honesty, he was always going to be okay. But I want him to make friends with people who don’t look like him. I want him to love people who think differently than him. I want him to be kind and curious with people who believe differently from him. Because only then will his white maleness not be a blinder to the privilege he was born with.

If I am faithful in my own life, seeking places of diversity, sharing with those who look, act, and believe differently, he will follow me.

But I’m still scared that won’t be enough.

I hope Donald Trump is voted out of office by a landslide in four years, but if he’s not, or if he’s set a precedent for future presidents, my son’s early elementary years will be under a presidency that will make for some very difficult conversations (as if difficult conversations with kids wouldn’t happen otherwise, I know). When the president calls a woman a pig, ugly, disgusting, or nasty, I will have to explain to him why a man we elected gets to treat people that way, but he doesn’t. When the president says that someone can’t do his job because of his race, I will have to explain to him why a man we elected gets to make “the textbook definition of a racist comment,” but that he must work not to allow such prejudices to root in his heart. When the president interrupts people all the time because he disagrees with him, I will have to tell my son that it’s not okay to interrupt his classmates or teachers for the same reasons, despite the example of the man we elected. Our leaders should not be people whose behaviors, words, and attitudes we have to actively teach against. I’m scared. And I know this is not the way of Jesus, but I’m scared. I know that fear, anger, and uncertainty are what led to these election results, but I’m still fearful, angry, and uncertain.

I want to make it clear to my friends and family members who got the results they voted for: I know you’re good people. You brought me to Jesus and you continue to bring me to Jesus every day with your words and actions. But I will not stop calling out injustice when I see it. I will not stop calling on you to speak out against the words and deeds of extremists in the Trump camp because I want the same expected of me. When Christians or white Americans commit awful deeds, I want to be held responsible for calling out those deeds, because I am of that camp.

For any hurt that I’ve caused, I want you to know I’ve never meant to direct my anger toward you. Ideologies and policies are what I hate. But if you feel that my vitriol is still directed toward you because you support those policies and ideologies, and therefore identify your self with them, then I want to find a way to deal with that. I want to find a way to believe the way we want and still sit at the same table.

I am not ashamed of my feelings. I’m deeply jealous that others in my life have found a magical way to not post their feelings on social media, and maybe I will find out how to be that girl again. But right now, I don’t want to be silent.

For those of you who, though well-intentioned, have been sharing your platitudes about how “God is still in control,” you need to realize that it doesn’t really matter. God was “in control” when 11 million Jews were slaughtered, but that didn’t stop them from being slaughtered. God was “in control” when entire native people groups were murdered and kicked off their homeland, but they were still murdered and kicked off their homeland. God was “in control” when the first centuries of our land settlement saw unbelievable violations of human rights on a massive scale, but slavery is still arguably our deepest, darkest sin that history will not let us forget. I am going to choose to hope that we will not see that level of dehumanization on this land again, but please know that whether or not God is in control, people are still going to be abused, and those words do not eliminate their pains and fears.

God is in control of the ultimate destiny of creation, but we are very much in control of the quality of life for that creation right now.

And finally, I want to say that I’m sorry for the number of times I rolled my eyes at #notmypresident or “I respect the office of the president, but I don’t respect the president” or how often you spoke of the doom our country was headed toward under Obama and the sick feeling you’ve lived with for eight years. I’m sorry, because now I’m one of you.

And finally-for-real-finally, if it’s not too late, I’m ready to listen to you, if you will listen to me.

Before you send me pictures of mutilated fetuses…

Being a “millennial” is difficult. Every day, thanks to the ease of public expression, we battle the urge to spew our opinions as soon as they pop into our heads toward those who may or may not be interested, and we struggle to learn which things need to be spoken and which things should be kept. And we fail miserably.

As a reward for voicing my own opinions, I’ve had the privilege of some great conversations with those who feel differently about things. I’ve had the great experience of engaging in educational dialogue that opens a door to seeing the other side more clearly and having my own side strengthened and informed as a result. And I hope those on the other side of that issue feel the same way. I’ve also had the misfortune of being cruelly badgered about my opinions by people with no desire to truly understand how I feel.

And then all the woes of social media are forgiven because of the “block” option.

I am pro-life, and I want all babies to be born. I also, at this time, am against legislating that all babies be born.

I want to explain how my faith informs these feelings.

When I imagine humanity in its original form, in its original purpose, I imagine a close and intimate communion with God. When I imagine the cursed humanity, I imagine a spectrum that pushed us to a far end away from God. So when God works to restore humanity, to bring us back to our original purpose – closeness with God – I imagine a long, arduous, and grueling journey of change in cultural consciousness.

Humanity does not travel the length of this spectrum overnight. In fact, it takes entire generations to simply move one step. And God knows this. So God gives us small steps to take.

One of my favorite examples of this is in Deuteronomy 22: 28-29, “If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days.”

In our 21^st century context, we look at this as abuse. It is brutal to subject a victim to this. Why would God ordain such a gruesome law that puts a woman through a lifetime of having to see her abuser every day, and even worse, have sex with him? And my answer is that perhaps it was the best God could do with what God had at the time. In the Ancient Near East, women were property. Men literally paid their fathers to marry them. Their value was entirely bound in their virginity and their ability to have children. If a woman was no longer a virgin, whether or not by choice, she would never be wanted by another man. To never marry would mean to never have children. She would essentially be destined for destitution. Her remaining options would be to sell herself into slavery or prostitution.

She would have no protection, no chance for a decent life, no hope.

Why couldn’t God just make a law against rape? Because society wasn’t there yet. Society wasn’t at a point where women were valued enough to consider such an act as atrocious as it was.

So what does it do in this context to demand that a man make his victim his wife? It puts the responsibility of her well-being on him. It puts the responsibility of her life on him. And though divorce was allowed, in this circumstance it would not be allowed. For the rest of her life, he must provide her with shelter, food, children, and protection. His “punishment” was that he would have to provide for her what no one else would because of what he did.

It’s a small step that, by our standards today, is barbaric. But by the standards of that time, it was highly revolutionary.

Small steps.

So why can’t we just make abortion illegal? Aside from the fact that laws against abortion have no effect whatsoever on abortion rates in other countries, simply put, society isn’t there yet.

We’ve just now (sort of) gotten to the point where women are considered people, so it’s possible we’ve got a long way to go before unborn babies are considered people too.

I don’t think that means we should give up the fight. But I do think it means we need to exchange our weapons. And in order to arm ourselves with the best weapons, we need to do better research into what we’re fighting.

Why are women seeking pregnancy termination? A whopping 88% worldwide seek abortion for financial reasons. Yes, for many women, there are multiple reasons for choosing that, but the primary reason is because of finances. A law against abortion is not going to eliminate these reasons. Women who are required to continue their pregnancies until birth will lose jobs because they can’t afford childcare or to take leave. Of course, adoption is always an option, but do I even need to go into the brutal experience of a mother having to separate herself from the child she carried for 40 weeks? Many women do take that route, and for people like my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, that sacrifice fulfills their dreams for children, but to force that as the only option for a pregnant mother who doesn’t feel that she can provide for her baby is not good. Yes, we should champion adoption. We should also champion family-preservation. And we do that by providing a community that makes women feel secure enough to provide for her children and supported enough to do that for the long haul.

But ultimately, there is one method that has been proven to lower abortion rates – and that is pregnancy prevention. It is well-documented that cultures that lack access to contraception on a worldwide scale have higher infant-mortality rates and higher maternal death rates. Women who are not educated in family planning and voluntary use of contraceptives, and who also are at the sexual disposal of their husbands, lacking a choice in whether or not they will have intercourse, are getting pregnant and having babies almost every year.

It is not healthy for a woman’s body to endure that. Basically, she is getting pregnant before her body has healed, which poses high risks for the pregnancy. Her newborn will lack the care and attention he or she needs when another baby is quickly added to the family, and worst of all, when adequate prenatal care is also absent in a culture, the mother’s likelihood of survival throughout all these pregnancies so close together is low. Babies are more likely to die when the mother is not around.

Contraceptives are a necessity for the health of women and for a lower abortion rate. Women who are empowered to make decisions about their family plans and who are empowered to space and time their pregnancies in a way that is most healthy for her body, will be empowered to raise her children with confidence and security and thus continue her pregnancies.

Now, there are some familiar voices in my life that I already know may be reading this and thinking that the best way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex. Abstinence-only education is a documented failure, and I am grieved to say that the response to single women who get pregnant and seek help is simply, ‘well you shouldn’t have had sex to begin with.’

There are several issues I have with this sentiment.

• On a worldwide scale, married women terminate pregnancies at a far higher rate than unmarried women. So assuming that women just shouldn’t have sex doesn’t really do anything to address the issue considering the number of married women seeking abortions.
• As Christians, to offer this response is to make yourself like the unmerciful servant who was forgiven his debt of ten thousand bags of gold by the king and then turns around to have the man who owes him 100 silver coins thrown in jail. How would you feel if God’s response to your search for help through the messes you’ve made was to say, ‘well you shouldn’t have done that in the first place,’ and then shut the door in your face?
• This enforces the perspective of the pregnancy as a punishment. Instead of celebrating the life that is developing and doing everything we can to help provide for that life, we tell the mother that she is being punished for her sins. That is as inhuman as anything. You think taking the life of an unborn baby is dehumanizing, so is lowering that baby’s status to a punishment.
• And finally, I’d like to think that if your own child were in this situation, and for whatever reason you weren’t around to provide for her, you would die at the thought of the church or society turning their backs on her because of her circumstance.

Fact: people are going to have sex, married or not, and just like my mother showed me the right way to push the chair up to the counter so I’d have a smaller chance of falling down at my insistence to climb that counter, we can provide society with methods to lower the chance of something unintended to happen at their insistence of having sex.

Yes, I do think that society’s perception of sex needs to change. Yes, I do think that sex should be reserved for committed relationships. But again, let’s look at what has been ineffective and what has been effective, and let’s exchange what ineffective tools we have to the ones that make a difference. If it’s likely to achieve the same end that we want, we have to be willing to give it a try. The consequences of mortality rates of babies and mothers far outweigh the consequences of protected premarital sex, so let’s be wise about what a real emergency is.

So when I receive a passive-aggressive text message from a distant family member telling me that 3,000 babies will die today, I want to say:

No, actually, far more than that will die today because of starvation, dead mothers, malnutrition, inadequate medical care, and disease.

I want to say: and what are you going to do about it today? Are you going to pay for medical appointments that the mothers can’t afford? Are you going to buy groceries that those babies’ families can’t afford? Are you going to take in that pregnant teenager who’s been kicked out by her parents? Are you going to help coordinate childcare so that mother can keep her job and continue providing for her baby?

But I didn’t say any of those things. Because sometimes it’s just wiser to block people.

……………………………………………………………

For some excellent resources on the topic, please check out the following links:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/reject-apathy/surprising-new-findings-could-re-shape-pro-life-movement

http://www.hopethroughhealinghands.org/faith-based-coalition

http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/pro-life-voting-for-hillary-clinton

http://www.shannondingle.com/blog//im-pro-life-and-im-voting-for-hillary-heres-why

http://sarahbessey.com/a-voice-for-the-voiceless/

questions

In my lifelong journey of soul-searching, I’ve recently become intentional about being sensitive to narrative. What is the overarching theme of connection in various situations, various people, and various events?

Unfortunately, we as humans neglect the narrative, and in many of our interactions, we zero in on the immediate circumstance and form all our judgments based off of that.

I live my life by questions. I ask why and how and where and when and what do you think and I wonder and I ponder and I look and I inquire about anything and everything. I may regret this at times, but I hope my children are the same way.

Recently, I made the foolish decision to ask a question to the Facebook world about how people’s faith in Jesus influences their decision to vote for a particular candidate. Most people just liked the question, probably because those who feel the same as I are the only ones who haven’t hidden me from their feeds. Two women, however, were deeply offended. And nobody, absolutely nobody, answered my question.

I want to interrupt this story to say that I know how text alone can be very misunderstood. With internet communication, we have no tone, no body language, and no facial expression, so with that in mind, I measured and analyzed each word placement carefully before I hit “post.” I wanted to be as clear as I could that this was no more than a question to this candidate’s voters that was formed based off of observations of this candidate and nothing more. No judgments about them, no assumptions about them, just questions for them.

These women were offended that I was questioning their faith, and I was confused by that. Why is it offensive to question someone’s faith? Shouldn’t we take it as a compliment that we have an opportunity to explain how and why our faith influences the choices we make? A question is, at its core, a search for knowledge, a “quest” to know more (hence the root of the word, duh). And yes, many times when a question is asked, there are assumptions and agendas as the motive, but is it fair to assume that in response to a question that is asked of us? I don’t think so, and even if that is the case, the fact that you have been asked a question is your chance to dispel those assumptions if they aren’t true or inaccurate in some way. If they thought that I doubted their faith, I could understand being offended, but since when were doubts and questions the same thing? At what point did a question go from a quest for knowledge to doubting what we already knew?

The fact that someone was offended by my search for knowledge was deeply troubling to me. And what was more, in their responses, they still couldn’t answer my question. They reversed the question, which I answered, proceeded to tell me I was wrong, and still neglected to answer my original question.

I tell this story for three reasons. First, when you know you’re about to do something stupid, don’t do it. Asking a question on social media in the hopes of having a serious, intelligent, and informative dialogue rarely works, so just follow your gut when it says “this isn’t going to work” next time you want to do that.

Second, the “block” option is wonderful.

Third, I was given another insight into the narrative of faith and politics in our country in the 21^st century which I would like to discuss here.

These women were offended because somehow, a judgment of this candidate was a judgment on them. By criticizing a candidate, I was criticizing them. I realize that a vote is a personal thing, but I didn’t realize that for some people it was that personal. We bind our choices to our values, and our choices do define who we are, but at some point, there needs to be a separation between the person we choose and the choice we made for them. Stating the obvious here, but that candidate is not me. My choice for his or her policies is me, but that person is not. And my observations about a candidate embodying everything that is the opposite of my faith should not be perceived as an observation about his or her voter’s faith. In fact, I’m giving you an opportunity to show me how your faith is honored by supporting a particular candidate. I will tell you how my faith is honored by voting a particular way, if you ask me, and I will gladly engage in our disagreements in hopes that we can educate each other and become more empathetic to different views. But I don’t take personal offense when someone disagrees with me. My views don’t have to be validated by everyone, nor do I want them to be. But what I realized by this interaction is that we are becoming less and less interested in gaining knowledge for ourselves through good discussions and we are playing into the divided system that wishes to divide us. We forget that you can have unity without uniformity.

Instead of taking my question as an opportunity to explain how their faith promoted one candidate, these women wanted to explain how they were against something.

And I get that. Sadly, the polls reflect that the majority of Americans will be casting a vote against instead of for.

And my hope was that in these discussions, we could all take a step back and look at the overarching narrative we are allowing our government to tell us. My hope was that we could take a step back and look at the ways we are letting ourselves, our lives, and our choices be molded by this narrative of a two-party system that does not represent the people anymore. And we can take responsibility for the way we contribute to a narrative that we don’t like anymore.

That was my hope.

motherhood is (three months)

Motherhood Is is a series of ponderings that I am writing as I figure out how to mother. It will include things I expected, things no one told me, things I learn about myself, about the world, about God, and about life through the lens of parenthood. 

i did not love motherhood upon first introduction.

nursing was painful.

sleep eluded.

and many of my days were spent on edge constantly trying to hold off his crying.

the sudden changes overwhelmed, and in the midst of joy for what we now had was grief for what we no longer had. sleeping in. staying out late. getting to do whatever we wanted, when we wanted to do it. spending too much money eating out. not having to schedule every minute around someone needing to eat every two hours.

it was a wonderful time and a confusing time. it was rough and it was grand. it was beautiful and it was terrible. anything that shakes up our lives is just so.

i loved him, and he needed me. and that was our relationship.

the love-at-first-sight that parents are supposed to have once their babies are born is not the same kind of love one has after getting to know someone. the love for a newborn is instinctual, an awareness that “this is mine to protect because i will die if he dies.” but that love stops there, and in many ways, is one-sided.

it took a while. but that love turned into a deeper affection. the kind that makes my heart physically ache because i can’t bear the full force of what i feel for my child when i look at him. the kind that melts me into nothing when he looks up at me while latched onto my breast.

every mother is different. and some may be fortunate enough to have that immediately. but for many of us, it takes time. the sweetest love for us is one that evolves slowly, one that crawls up to your side through quiet ways. one that swells ever so gently until there is nothing but that.

it worried me. all of the expectations i had, though i swore i was making none, were not happening right away. why didn’t i immediately feel like this was the most amazing thing that ever happened to me? why was it taking so long for this love to grow in me?

it’s hard to love someone when there is no overt form of loving you back. when you feel like you’re just a host to another organism. my mother has a theory that babies don’t become real people until three months, that pregnancy should last for a year. and while it’s all just jokes and fun, i see what she means. he only now really knows who i am. like really knows who i am. he’s always sensed me, i think. always known my voice, my skin, my smell. but now he can look into my eyes and smile. now he reacts to things. now he sees things. now, i know that perhaps he really does love me back.

and now i cry nearly every sunday night when our time together is ending again, and i have to go back to work.

now, i melt when all he wants is for me to hold him. (i also get deeply frustrated because i got other stuff to do that require two hands, like eat and pee and stuff, make no mistake about that.)

there’s a quote at the end of Anne of Avonlea that describes a love and romance that take time. the most beautiful kinds of love are the ones that are aged.

i get a little annoyed when people say things like, “you just wait,” mostly because they’re talking about a bunch of terrible things that await me as a parent. but there are also those who say, “you just wait,” because the love that is felt now is nothing compared to what will be had with each passing moment and each passing year.

as the lifeline that holds me to my child becomes even more intricate and complex, it will thicken and strengthen. and that takes time. and i’m okay with that.